Sometimes i worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
If you read a lot of books, you're considered well-read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well-viewed!
Just remember, we're all in this alone.
Exercise is for people who can't handle drugs or alcohol.
Does your mind feel more and more like teflon? Nothing sticks to it?
For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.
Lady, I do not make up things. That is lies. Lies are not true. But the truth could be made up if yo know how. And that's the truth.
After all, in private, we're all misfits
I always wanted to be something, but now I see I should have been more specific.
Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then--we elected them.
The best mind altering drug is the truth.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.
No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up.
If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?
Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.
The road to success is always under construction
I said "Somebody should do something about that." Then I realized I am somebody.
We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.
The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
You don't really need to get married, but marriage is awfully nice. Everybody I know who got married, they say it really makes a difference. They feel very, very happy about it.
But there are too many people that make so much money at the cost of lives of other humans and for no reason but to make the money.
Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest - then we can all die laughing.
The best mind-altering drug is the truth.
What is reality, anyway? Just a collective hunch.
I guess if people couldn't profit from war I don't think there would be war.
I never officially came out in any kind of really public way. I just always lived very simply and openly, but the press has never made a big fuss about me or said anything to me.
If you read a lot of books you are considered well read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well viewed.
If I had known what it would be like to have it all - I might have been willing to settle for less.
I especially love 'Web Therapy' and I did 'Eastbound and Down' too. I had a lot of fun doing that.
Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.
Remember we're all in this alone.
We don't care. We don't have to. We're the phone company.
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
What I appreciate is acknowledging to the audience that I think they have brains.
I mean yes to act out something or take chances in the performance is one thing. But in terms of a camera, whatever's captured is captured so that's a little more daunting.
It's my belief we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.
I think my politics are just inclined to be empathetic and humanistic. I grew up with so many different kinds of people with different politics, different religion, no religion, no politics, education, no education, and I was infatuated with all of them.
Creating characters is just another way to express a type and put that type to use.
I guess that's one of the reasons that you do it - work all the time - because it's sort of a high to find something that really works.
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
When I was 9 or 10, I had a ten-cent business: I would walk your dog for a dime, go to the store for a dime, empty your garbage for a dime - and then I could use the money to buy tricks at the magic store.
Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
We are all in this together, by ourselves.
I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.
Sometimes I feel like a figment of my own imagination.
No matter how cynical you become, it's never enough to keep up.
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
The road to success is always under construction.
You know being relevant or coming up with something interesting, funny to say about what's current is just as hard as it might ever be depending on the serendipity of it all.
We're all in this alone.
I grew up in a time when women didn't really do comedy. You had to be homely, overweight, an old maid, all that. You had to play a stereotype, because very attractive women were not supposed to be funny - because it's powerful; it's a threat.
I was always drawn to more the social-expression-of-culture types.
What if it's boring - or if it's not boring, it might be too revealing, or worse, it might be too revealing and still be boring.
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.
Many times I sit back and say, 'I can't believe that this is my life!' Other times, I feel self-satisfied. I mean, there's a lot to be proud and thankful for but, nonetheless, it's just a life!
If you read a lot of books, you're considered well-read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well-viewed.
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.
For fast-acting relief try slowing down.
Don't be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed.
I like a teacher who gives you something to take home to think about besides homework.
I always wondered why somebody doesn't do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody.
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Don’t be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed.
